My Toast to John and Mary

My baby sister, Mary, got hitched to my new brother, John, this past weekend.  And while they asked my other sisters, Esther and Cecilia, to act as maids (matrons?) of honor, I was asked to pen their wedding toast.

I actually had a lot of trouble writing it, though, and I couldn't put my finger on exactly why until I was almost done with the silly thing.  Spoiler alert: it’s because she’s my baby sister.  Duh.

Anyway, that’s when I re-wrote the speech so it was to be delivered not by me, but by Esther and Cecilia.  They had no idea I was going to ask them to put their champagne down and pick up the microphone.  They had no idea what they were going to say until they read it off of a handful of 3x5 cards.

In short, Esther and Cecilia were fantastic.  They easily (and rightfully) could have told me to eff off, but instead they were happy to play along.

So here’s the wedding toast I wrote and Esther and Cecilia said.  If anyone got any pictures of this that don’t reveal just how drunk I was, please email them to me.  In the meantime, each line below marks a new index card.  ENJOY.

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Mike: Hi, everyone, my name is Mike.  I am Mary’s oldest brother, and while I am neither a maid nor honorable, I have been given the great privilege of stepping in and writing the Maid of Honor’s toast to the bride and groom.

That said, I would never want to deprive anyone of the chance to deliver such a toast, so while I did WRITE the speech, I’m going to hand it off to Mary’s actual Maids of Honor to READ it.  Ladies and gentlemen, Esther Eagan and Cecilia Vogt!
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Esther: Hi, everyone, my name is Esther, and I am the Maid of Honor.

Cecilia: Hi, everyone, my name is Cecilia, and I am also the Maid of Honor.

Esther: Thank you all for coming tonight.  I am sure it means a lot to Mary and John that everyone is here to celebrate their big day.

Cecilia: Everything Mike said is true.  He wrote this speech, and neither of us have any idea what we’re about to say.
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Esther: Mike, however, is an excellent writer and to prepare this toast, he has peered into our very souls.  He has only written things, therefore, that Cecilia and I believe to be true with all our hearts.
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Cecilia: And we know that he worked very hard to write a beautiful tribute to Mary and John.  If we do not read these words exactly as Mike has written them, we know that Mary and John’s wedding will totally be ruined and we will have to do it all over again tomorrow.  So we hereby promise to be very serious and read everything exactly as it is written, no more, no less.
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Esther: Butts.
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Cecilia: Booger.
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Esther: Mike is the smartest person I know.

Cecilia: It’s no wonder Mom loves him best.

Esther:  While we could sincerely talk about how awesome Mike is all night, we’re actually here to raise our glasses and say congratulations to our sister, Mary, and our new brother, John.
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Cecilia: We first met John a few years ago.

Esther: We remember it well.

Cecilia: It was sometime after Mary was born and sometime before this moment.

Esther: Aaah, the memories.
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Cecilia: We can’t be more specific about that because Mike actually doesn’t know when we met you and we weren’t answering his text messages back when he was writing this speech.

Esther: Regardless, we quickly came to see why Mary was so head-over-heels in love.  This part Mike DOES know, because we’ve talked about it with him before.

Cecilia: You are kind.  You are loving.  You are fun.

Esther: And you are 100% devoted to our sister.
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Cecilia: Mike agrees with us on these.  He has two vivid memories from when he met you.  The first was that you came to visit him and Lisa in the hospital when Clark was born.  They’d only met you a few times at that point, but you were one of the first people ever to hold their newborn son.  Mike could see it meant a lot to you, and it meant a lot to him too.
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Esther: The second thing is that you looked a lot like Dan Pogorzelski.  Mike could have written this toast entirely about that and the fact that Mary hates birds, but he decided to be more sentimental.

Cecilia: Anyway, since that time, you became part of our family.

Esther: And we don’t just mean when you put that ring on today.  You have been a partner to Mary…
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Cecilia: …a brother to me, Esther, Louis and Mike…

Esther: …and an uncle to all our kids…

Cecilia: …since you first came into our lives.
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Esther: Which, to reiterate, was sometime after Mary was born and sometime before this moment.

Cecilia: You’ve truly had an effect on all of us and we can’t imagine our family without you now.  Welcome to the family, John.  We love you!
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Esther: And Mary, we haven’t forgotten about you.  We love you too!

Cecilia: We first met Mary a few years ago.

Esther: We remember it well.

Cecilia: It was sometime after Mary was born and sometime before this moment.

Esther: Aaah, the memories.
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Cecilia: Mike met her at a summer camp when they were both 12 year old girls.

Esther: That’s an inside joke, by the way.  Surely no one but Mary and Mike gets it.

Cecilia: I only kind of get it…
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Cecilia: and don’t call me Shirley.
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Esther: Anyway, while we were all growing up, my siblings and I all played our parts.

Cecilia: I was the funny one.

Esther: Louis was the cool one.

Cecilia: Esther was the leader.
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Esther: Mike was the cool, funny one with strong leadership qualities.
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Cecilia: And you, Mary, were the youngest.  You were always our baby sister.

Esther: You were our mascot.  Our Maggie Simpson.  Our Rudy Huxtable.

Cecilia: When we were little, it meant you were always the tagalong, but as we grew up, you became our anchor.  Without fail, you were always there to welcome us home.
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Esther: When I went off to college, you were there waiting for me when I came back for Christmas.

Cecilia: When I moved to Toronto, you were always there when I called to ask about our teachers at Iroquois.

Esther: When Mike and Louis moved in to their own apartment closer to the city, they knew you would never be too far away, that you would always be there, as their baby sister.
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Cecilia: And this is where it occurred to Mike.  As he was writing this speech, it was at this moment that he realized why he was having so much trouble with it.

Esther: It was here he decided he probably wouldn’t be strong enough to look at you and realize just how proud he is and say these words out loud.  So he’s making us do it.
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Cecilia: Sometime after you were born…
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Esther: …and sometime before this moment…
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Cecilia: …you grew up.
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Esther: You aren’t just our baby sister anymore.

Cecilia: And, Mary, just like us, Mike is so proud of you.  He loves what you have become.  He loves John and he loves how much John loves you.

Esther: So, finally, ladies and gentlemen, family and friends, if you love John and Mary as much as we do, then help us to congratulate them by raising your glasses!

Cecilia: To Mary and John!